We hugged, pressing our bodies against each other. I allowed myself to float in the warmth of her embrace. Inhaling deeply, I felt the love we share. For a moment in time, nothing else mattered. There was only us. I allowed myself to be laid bare. I whispered "I love you" into her ear. I heard her whisper those same words. We kissed lightly on the lips. The sensualness of her touch becoming etched into my memory.
I drove her home after the party on Saturday night. This in itself is of no significance, as I have often given her rides home late at night. We have always been able to talk candidly with each other about things that we wouldn't share with others. Always as close friends. I even remember our very first such conversation where we talked about our relationship goals. We had both just ended bad relationships and were looking for things that were as diametrically opposite to each other as night and day.
Since that first conversation, our friendship has grown stronger. We have shared many intimacies and always a constant were those goals that we shared. We even became regular play partners, but always without the expectation of romantic interests.
I don't know exactly when things changed. I have noticed my feelings towards her growing stronger over the past couple of months. I also sensed that we both new that this was happening. It use to be when we hugged, it used to be a friendly, "pat on the back" feeling. Lately, though, whenever we embrace, it was like a flood of every emotion you feel when the entire cosmos is in perfect balance.
We sat in the car, parked in front of her place. I don't know how long we talked. In the past, we have talked about our relationships with others. We talked about my wife and my past d/s partner. We talked about her past relationships, her girlfriend and where she sees there future going. Tonight, we talked about each other for the first time and how our relationship fits within our primary relationship partnerships.
I am uncertain about what the future holds for us. But I am ready to see where it will take us.
Why I made a dentist appointment for 8:30 a.m. on a Saturday, I have not a clue. The hygienist who cleaned my teeth was not the one I had originally booked. However, I was not disappointed as she was more than easy on the eye and rather competent to boot. A sexy woman scraping your teeth makes up for having to get up early. And yes, the masochist in me actually enjoys the feel of most dental work, a fact which came up in the conversation we had while she worked (not the masochist part, though). Although I suspect she is a sadomasochist herself, which most people who chose dentistry likely are, in my opinion, not that it's such a bad thing. She mentioned she actually liked the feel of having her teeth cleaned herself, which she said was probably the reason why she enjoyed her work so much.
After a few days of unusually hot weather that felt like the dog days of August, it was nice to have an evening where the temperatures were more typical of late spring. Last night the sheet soaking was from mixing body fluids. The cool breeze felt nice.
Packed up some boxes for a friend who is moving into a new house. The cat may or may not still be in the box. In other news, I got my ass kicked in Mario Kart on Friday night.
I've been nudged to update this thing sometime this century. I think the nudger had something more in mind than this update. She knows where to find me as my weekend plans may or may not involve getting into some sort of trouble with her. In case the rest of the world is wondering, those plans include a workshop with Lee Harrington. It will be great opportunity to see first hand the ties from Lee's book which Kona sent me in the Secret Santa endeavor from the defunct blog land that hosted the previous version of this journal.
In case anyone was wondering, somebody spilled half their cup of coffee on me this morning while I was standing in line at the coffee shop (not Starbucks by the way). Had to phone the misses to bring me a clean pair of underwear to replace the pair which managed to get soaked with coffee.
For the moment my little corner of the cosmos mirrors the world around me. That my professional life is hectic and feeling turned upside down is not surprising. If it wasn't in that situation right now, I would be concerned, as what I do is a chunk of the financial risk management world which translates into when the markets are in chaos, my clients need me. I'm less busy when the world is happy. With time things will come around.
My personal life has taken off on an unexpected journey. The ride has been wild. Right now it feels stuck in a valley. That too will come to pass. I feel calmer now than I did even a week ago. I need rid myself of the expectations and enjoy what is ahead. That is not to say that I shouldn't take control and try to steer.
We had a long overdue heart-to-heart discussion over lunch a few days ago. We discussed a lot of things that needed to be said for a long time. There were a lot of things that we both new, but either avoided or ignored.
Tripping over the bump in the road was inevitable. We were both a little too complacent, too comfortable with each other, and didn't communicate very well. It is a bitter sweet irony that the cause of our big crash was a misunderstanding. We got burnt by something that we thought the other wanted.
We have agreed to take a break from our d/s relationship for now. I don't know if it will resume. I didn't expect it to end or want it to end, especially after it became something much more than I originally expected when we first met, but not quite what we wanted it to be. The one thing I really wanted was a polyamourous relationship that I knew could never work.
Perhaps it will give us time to be friends for now without the struggle for control that our relationship turned into.
Now if emotions could be as easily satisfied and subdued like the physical wants and needs. The irony is that things started off without expectations. The emotional ride changed that, perhaps creating something that would never work.
We ignored for too long the little nagging feeling in the back of our minds. When the crash occurred, we couldn't understand why it happened. Funny thing, part of the answer was given to me unexpectedly the other night while sitting around with some friends, chatting as we wound-down after some play.
So a door that has been closed while we clean up the broken pieces.
Yesterday evening consisted of lot's of rope. Being hog-tied up by a wonderfully sexy play partner and then returning the favour. Seeing others in a similar situation. The chance to test out some new paddles. Discovering that the paddles make some wonderful sounds when striking the right objects. Having a deliciously inviting backside to strike. And some wonderful squeals from emanating from the object of the paddle testing.
I so do enjoy watching the occasional train wreck that is disguised as the bad auditions on American. Last night's show featured a contestant for the most boring 18 year-old in the world. When queried by Simon on what his wildest dreams were, the fellow dryly responded, "owning a modest house with nice marble floors" or something like that.
I admit that my 18-year old fantasies mostly revolved around getting laid (shocking) and being mega-rich so I could afford to keep the eye candy that would get me laid. I wonder if American Idol would air the descriptions, though, of the wildest of those dreams. I doubt I'll ever fulfill the making out with a complete stranger on stage in a live sex show fantasy. But you never know what will happen. After all, I never expected to ever watch porn being filmed, something which I crossed off the bucket list sometime last year.
I need...
I want...
...something.
The hunger feels as if it will never be satiated.
I need my identity to be stripped from myself. My mind separated my body. My sense of being repressed. To watch and feel. Be powerless to act. Only be able to receive.
I want to enslave another. Subject them to the physical pain and pleasure that I desire. To transfer my emptiness to them and then feed it. Make them feel what I want to feel. Take them to the edge where I want to teeter.
Make them afraid and then bring them back to safety. To engorge their appetite, so desire will whither.
To bring them to calm. To bring me back to serenity.
Except for the snow which I've always hated. Shoveled more snow yesterday morning only to be reminded of the futility of that by yet another surprise snowstorm that hit late in the afternoon. At least I got in a couple of hours of kink before being caught out in the snow on the way home. And the before bedtime sex was pretty good.
To say my 2008 was a strange roller-coaster ride is an understatement. If you had asked me to make predictions at the beginning of the year, they would have looked nothing like what I experienced. Some of the kinky things I would have never had on my to-do list and I experienced or witnessed for the first time in 2008:
